I’m usually a “glass-half-full” type of guy.
In the spirit of Christmas, I definitely should look at the positive first, but today you can call me the Grinch because I’m about to rip some players for either playing out of their minds when they shouldn’t have or failing to show up when they should have dominated.
The following players get a flaming pile of crap on their front porch for Christmas:
Tim Tebow, QB, Denver — What was that?? You had ZERO picks on the road coming into Week 16 and you were facing a horrendous defense… and the best you can do is 13-for-30 with four INTs??? Way to crap on your fantasy owners when they absolutely needed you most!
Philip Rivers, QB, San Diego — When you throw the ball 53 times against this weak secondary, I expect more than a lousy 299 yards, one TD and two INTs. I should have known not to trust what I saw the last few weeks. Really… 52% completion percentage??
Norv Turner/Ryan Mathews, RB, San Diego — I want to send the steaming pile of feces to Mathews, but in reality it belongs to bone-head HC Norv Turner. Why he chose to abandon the run so early is beyond me. All it did was allow the Lions to push their lead out to a point where they had no choice but to throw. The fact that Mathews had only four carries at halftime is a JOKE and the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of Turner. Enjoy your Christmas present Norv.
Kevin Smith, RB, Detroit — So you basically sucked after you had that breakout game (when NO ONE started you) and today you decide the end zone twice despite rushing for just 3.2 yards per carry. Of course, I recommend to all my clients that you weren’t worth starting, but I also didn’t know the Chargers would completely lay down and let you walk into the end zone twice. You are a fraud and deserve the present you get.
Marshawn Lynch, RB, Seattle — Not only have you scored in 11 straight games, you’ve also surpassed 100 yards in six of those games, yet because the Niners hadn’t allowed a rushing TD all season I considered you a borderline flex player this week. Well, not only did you score a late TD against this seemingly invincible defense, you also averaged 5.1 YPC and rushed for 107 yards. I guess I owe you an apology, but I also owe you a pile of crap for Christmas.
LeSean McCoy, RB, Philly — Late injury aside, the Dallas Cowboys have been a team you absolutely dominated over your short career… so what happened today?!?! 13 carries for 35 yards and one catch for 10 yards. I’m really beginning to believe Fantasy Super Bowls need to be held in Week 15, because too many crazy things happen in Week 16. You, sir, deserve a double helping of the steamy poo.
LeGarrette Blount, RB, Tampa — No, I didn’t recommend starting you Mr. Blount, but anyone who did probably wanted to hop on a direct flight to Charlotte and punch you in the face. Another fumble? Raheem Morris had no choice but to bench your butt, and your 2 carries for 11 yards is hardly going to cut the mustard. I’m going to send you a football covered in poo and you have to carry it around everywhere you go until next season’s training camp commences.
Michael Bush, RB, Oakland — A friend of mine, who is a die-hard Raiders fan, told me the reason you have sucked so bad these last few weeks is that you’re wearing down because of the workload. I don’t care what the excuse is… you let your owners down on the biggest day of the fantasy season against the freaking Chiefs… a team you have dominated in your career. When was your last TD? 3 yards per carry? I’m going to send half of this pile of crap to you and the other half to Darren McFadden because his butt should have been in there long ago.
Cedric Benson, RB, Cincy — I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. I hate you. Your two fumbles were HUGE and almost cost your team a win after leading 23-0. Seriously!!! Find the freaking end zone already. I don’t know why I ever recommend you.
Ahmad Bradshaw, RB, NY Giants — You freaking bum!! You literally did nothing all game until a late third quarter Jets turnover set you up in the red zone. Okay, even if you score just that one TD, I could live with that, but you get such a joke of a garbage-time TD after a failed onside kick attempt it makes me puke. Where have you been over the last month?? Why, today, do you choose to get lucky?? It doesn’t help that you play for the Giants either. 3.5 yards per carry and you get two touchdowns… welcome to the Kevin Smith club. I’m sending you two piles of crap as they represent both TDs you scored.
Brian Schottenheimer/Shonn Greene, RB, NY Jets — What happened to the ground-and-pound?? You Jets coaches are serious blowhards that like to hear yourself talk. There is ABSOLUTELY NO REASON Mark Sanchez should be throwing the ball 59 times… what a joke!! You were never far enough out of the game to throw that much, especially when you compare that to Shonn Greene’s measly 14 carries. Honestly, in a game like that (that seemed to go on forever), Greene should have had 30 carries, not 14. Just like Norv Turner, Schottenheimer is going to share this pile of poo with Greene because it’s really not Greene’s fault.
Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee — You can’t ask for a nicer matchup this this, and you absolutely puke down your chin. 15 carries for 56 yards and he didn’t even sniff the end zone. Shoot, his coaches have lost so much faith in him that Jamie Harper got the goal line carry and earned a rushing TD. And when Matt Hasselbeck drops back 40 times and throws for 350 yards, I expect you to have decent receiving numbers. When I look at the box score and you have a big fat goose egg next to your name, I want to scream. CJ0K, because you have screwed your fantasy owners all season, you get a pile of poo for every game you sucked. Welcome to free agency CJ.
Santana Moss, WR, Washington — I didn’t recommend you to a bunch of people because I told everyone Jabar Gaffney would have much better numbers… but when you let Donte’ Stallworth out-do you like that, you belong on this list. I remember when you used to be a track-and-field sprinting champion at the University of Miami. What happened to all that speed?
Steve Smith, WR, Carolina — I almost don’t want to list you here because I didn’t get a lot of questions about you, plus, I love to see the Panthers win games big and you are a complete non-factor. List the top 5 most selfish players in the league and you are right up there with DeSean Jackson. One catch for nine yards??? Is that all you’ve got in you? Way to hurt your fantasy owners when they need you most little man. Guess what… this is no longer your team — this is Cam’s team now!!
Vincent Jackson, WR, San Diego — You inconsistent knob!!! If you’re hurt, sit out. If you’re healthy, GET INVOLVED!! There isn’t a DB on Detroit’s roster that can stop you when you apply yourself, but you looked like you were running in quicksand. I am so disappointed in myself that I ever recommended you to anyone. Just retire!!
Washington Redskins DST — I can’t believe I recommended this joke of a unit. One sack and 33 points allowed!?!?! I’m baffled and I apologize to anyone I told to pick these bums up. Horrendous!
Okay, I feel much better after getting that off my chest.
Now, for the good news. There were a ton of players who really made me look good, based on my projections and suggestions.
The following players get a cup of their favorite coffee (I couldn’t think of anything better) for Christmas:
Eli Manning, QB, NY Giants — I know your team won, but you sucked!! I still have to keep checking the box score to make sure I got these numbers correct… did I see 9 completions in 27 attempts??? I seriously just vomited in my mouth… that’s so bad. Seriously, that 99-yard TD pass to Victor Cruz was 5% you and 95% Cruz you lucky son-of-a-gun. Thank you for being awful this week, but not even I predicted 9 completions.
Matt Moore, QB, Miami — Ironically, Mike Woellert and I both suggested Moore over Eli Manning and I think some people thought we were smoking crack. Moore threw three TDs against that porous New England secondary and finished well ahead of Manning. Thumbs up to you Matt Moore… I only wish you were better in the third quarter so New England would have suffered a home loss.
Cam Newton, QB, Carolina — It’s not often I don’t suggest this guy… but I just wanted to thank him for a season of making me look good. Great way to finish off the Bucs today. The funny thing is… he only needed 17 pass attempts, but he finished with nearly 200 yards passing, 65 yards rushing, three passing TDs and one rushing TD. Way to go rookie.
Joe Flacco, QB, Baltimore — Mr. Flacco… you stink!! 11 of 24 vs. the Browns??? And I don’t want to hear about Anquan Boldin either. I’m actually here to commend you for being awful because you helped everyone that I told to bench your butt, even against Cleveland.
Reggie Bush, RB, Miami — Obviously it would have been nicer had he been able to get into the end zone, but yet another solid game from Reggie on the road. Bush finished with 22 carries for 113 yards (5.1 YPC) and two catches for 26 yards. Decent numbers for an RB2/Flex. You’ve been carrying Miami over the past month and have made me look good every week that I recommend you.
BenJarvus Green-Ellis, RB, New England — I’m not sure why you have disappeared in the second half of the year, but I’ve been recommending against you for a long time and it’s finally starting to pay off. Hard to post good numbers when you get three carries. Stevan Ridley and Danny Woodhead have surpassed you on the depth chart.
DeAngelo Williams/Jonathan Stewart, RBs, Carolina — Perfect week for you to own Panthers in your Fantasy Super Bowl. Say what you want about the Colts and Rams and Vikings… I think the worst team in the NFL is the Bucs. Stewart and Williams each had just 7 carries, but both went over 65 yards rushing. Williams had two rushing TDs, Stewart had one receiving TD. Both scored solid fantasy points and are already moving up draft boards for 2012.
CJ Spiller, RB, Buffalo — It took him a while to get acclimated to carrying the ball so much, but he’s finally making Chan Gailey take notice for next year. With Fred Jackson on the wrong side of 30 and Spiller proving he can carry the ball 20+ times, Buffalo might have its new RB of the future. Just 16 carries today but 111 yards and a TD, not to mention a few catches for 27 yards. I have recommended you for a few weeks and it’s paying off like a charm.
Felix Jones, RB, Dallas — Based on your injuries and the fact the Cowboys activated Chauncey Washington from the practice squad, I knew something was up with you. I told EVERYONE to bench you because there was a good chance you weren’t going to get more than five carries… you got four. Thanks for not playing after the first two series’, allowing your fantasy owners to breathe a sigh of relief for benching you.
AJ Green, WR, Cincy — You were one of my best projects of the week. I picked against you all week, much to the dismay of several concerned owners. You were hurting and going to be covered by Patrick Peterson… two things that didn’t bode well for your fantasy numbers. Two catches for 20 yards and I’m already getting some “thank you” emails from owners who benched you. Thanks A.J.
Hakeem Nicks/Victor Cruz, WRs, NY Giants — I had to figure out all week who Darrelle Revis was going to cover. I guesstimated that even though Cruz ran his mouth more, Nicks posed more of a threat and he would get to visit Revis Island. I told everyone to start Cruz and bench Nicks… and I guessed right!!! I feel like I was dead-on with Nicks, but I know I got a little lucky with Cruz. If not for that fluky 99-yard TD, I wouldn’t be boasting as much because Eli Manning was HORRIBLE otherwise.
Damian Williams/Nate Washington, WRs, Tennessee — Kinda small potatoes here, but Mike and I said if Locker was going to start, then Washington was your man. But since Hasselbeck somehow weasled his way back into the starting lineup, Williams was the guy to start. It worked out as Williams doubled Washington’s numbers.
Torrey Smith, WR, Baltimore — I’d like to personally thank Joe Flacco for being horrible… because I recommended all week to bench Torrey Smith. Those of you who know me know I love that guy and have recommended him just about every week… and it’s paid off most of the time. So for me to say “bench him”, you know I had to have studied Joe Haden. With Boldin out, I knew Haden would be in Smith’s back pocket. Great job Joe Flacco, great job Torrey Smith, great job Joe Haden.
Jabar Gaffney, WR, Washington — I’ve been on the Gaffney bandwagon for a month, and he delivered again in Week 16 with 6 catches for 77 yards and a TD… nice effort Mr. Gaffney. Now please stay off Twitter!!
Mike Wallace/Antonio Brown, WRs, Pittsburgh — Our clients really thought Mike and I were smoking crack on this one… but our predictions and advice paid off again here. With Charlie Batch under center, we suggested starting Mendenhall and even Ike Redman. Bada-bing, bada-boom!! Granted, Wallace did have one long reception for 46 yards which gave him 4 catches for 82 yards, but I’ll take that. Brown had just three receptions for 34 yards and I’ll definitely take that.
Brent Celek, TE, Philly — Granted, he only had two receptions, but they both went for long yardage and one went for a TD. He has owned Dallas over the past few years and he was a decent play again today.
Carolina DST — As much as it pained me to see what the Redskins did after I recommended them as a Waiver Wire DST, the Panthers were the other end of that spectrum. I recommended the Panthers almost as much as the Redskins, and they paid off in a big way. This DST recovered three Bucs fumbles, picked off Josh Freeman once and recorded three sacks. Not bad for a waiver wire defense.
So there you have it… the players who get a flaming pile of crap for Christmas and those who get a cup of their favorite java from your’s truly!!
Merry Christmas everyone, and Happy New Year!! It’s been my pleasure serving you over the past 11 years. I’m gonna miss this place.